SATYRICON – SATYRICON (Roadrunner Records)

I should know by now to steer clear of the bigger names but some naïve part of me refuses to let go of the forlorn belief that one of the lousy big hitters will one day defy the odds and release an album that somehow reflects their former glories. So I invariable take a peek to see what is going on.

But, one after the other, Black Metal’s best-known acts continue to deliver steaming piles of you-know-what. Take a bow Enslaved, Burzum, Darkthrone, Watain and all those other sell-out whores I can’t remember (and don’t want to) off the top of my increasingly-disillusioned head.

To the list add Satyricon, whose self-titled eighth full-length encapsulates concisely just how far this once-great band has fallen. They were in decline for years and have now come to rest at rock bottom.

I fully expected ‘Satyricon’ to be shit but was pleasantly encouraged by the first four offerings, which are subdued, understated and reasonably-pleasing slow-to-mid-paced affairs. ‘I’m actually going to enjoy this album,’ I foolishly thought to myself. Then came ‘Phoenix’, which is best described as a ghastly Euro-metal ballad that’s so offensive it renders everything that goes before and after it irrelevant.

‘Satyricon’ and Satyricon are both farcical. Like ‘The Wild Hunt’, this rubbish will undoubtedly sell by the bucketload thanks to the involvement of a major label. Which says it all, really…

Evilometer: 000/666